Mommy Sanity Check

People who speak of themselves in the third person are thought of as really annoying. I recently realized I was talking to myself in the third person. Yes, re-read that last sentence. Imagine that, I was annoying the heck out of myself. Not only was I referring to myself in the third person it was during a conversation with myself. Apparently I do this quite frequently. First thought was to make an appointment with a shrink and QUICKLY!

Then I realized this was not something new. I was not the only person with this “disorder”. In reality it is only ‘Parent Speak’. During my “odd” conversations I was not referring to myself by my first name. I referred to myself as “Mommy.”

Silly Mommy look at what you did.
Mommy is going to run to the store for a minute.
Come on Mommy where did you put that juice.
Didn’t you hear Mommy say ‘Don’t touch that!’
Wait until Mommy cleans up this mess! -(would be wonderful I there was a third person who would come clean up messes)

It recently came to the notice of my co-workers. We were gathering for a very serious discussion in one of the large conference rooms. As we all assembled and I took my seat and placed my things in front of me on the table. The meeting was coming to order when I started looking for my pen. I lift up the papers in front of me searching for my pen. The whole room went quiet for a brief second. Just long enough for everyone in the room to hear “Come on Mommy where did you put my pen?” Realizing the untimely crack of silence and the fact everyone had heard me, I look up, smile and snatch a pen from the man next to me. After a few giggles all around the table we went on to discuss the matter at hand.

Being a Mommy has definite advantages. My Parent Speak doesn’t make me look like a crazy person in the conference room. Everyone immediately knows I am a Mom. It is sort of a given Mommies will do things like this. On this day I also realized I have been doing this for years. My children are not babies nor toddlers. In fact it has been years and years since they were babies and toddlers.

One afternoon a co-worker was in my office discussing a project. I cannot recall what I did exactly but I do remember saying “OH POOP!” The co-worker laughed and said “Oh, come on. You can do better than that.” Another co-worker overheard us and laughingly said “If she used a more powerful word than that we would all run for cover. The world would be coming to an end.” Seriously that is my very worst ‘bad word’. Now if one of my male co-workers had said “Oh Poop!” it would have lead to hysterics of great proportion. People would have talked about it for years to come.

A few months ago I was on my way to the new craft store. Some guy was in a real hurry, zigging and zagging all through the traffic. I braced myself as he cut me off. I was furious! Snow White was in the car with me and we mothers know how we can go all postal-angry-protective-lioness on someone when they are endangering our children. Normally I would just gasp and make a bunch of faces Snow White could not see. This time I was outraged! I yelled “You Delicious Frosted Cupcake!!” After I took a long, deep breath I looked at Snow White in my rearview mirror. She was shaking her head, lips pursed and doing that ever so universal “no-no” wave of her index finger. She knew. She knew it did not matter that I did not use ‘bad words’. I still sounded like a crazy road rage nut. But I am a Mommy so I can sort of get away with yelling about food.

Picture this, you are driving down the road. A big male, tough looking, tractor trailer driver is cut off by another vehicle. He leans out of his truck cab shaking his fist in the air and yells “You Delicious Frosted Cupcake!!” in response. You know you would laugh your head off and wish over and over again that you had caught it on video!

Mommies can find anything. If something is lost and everyone has already looked and looked for it you can always count on Mommy to find it. If I cannot find the missing object it is my habit to say “Who ate it?” After all, if a Mommy cannot find it the only reasonable explaination the item is out of sight must be that someone ate it. (bad logic but ok) Example “Where is Mommy’s hair brush? Snow White ate it.” Of course this sets off giggles all through the house as we take turns naming everyone in the house including the pets. One day when Oldest Daughter was spending the day with Grandma C. she couldn’t find her note book. Mocking an accusatory tone, she said to her “Grandma, you ate my note book.” Grandma’s only response was a look of complete shock which turned into grave concern. When Oldest Daughter realized Grandma C. took her seriously she burst into hysterical laughter while trying to spit out the words “No, no, wait…it was me…I ate it.”

What are your funny ‘Parent Speak’ stories? What private jokes or sayings to you have within your family? Anyone want to share?