Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Boulder Now ...Pebble Later

Today had a slightly rough start. I woke up at 3:30am for the second morning in a row. My first thought as I looked at the alarm clock was "Darn it! Auntie D must be up again." She is a few states away but seems to have the same affect on me as if one of my children woke up in the middle of the night with an illness. When I spoke to her tonight she confirmed that yes, she was awake at 3:30 am with Bear (he has a severe cough).

I laid in bed thinking I would eventually get an hour or so more if I really tried hard to clear my mind. Sadly I only rested my eyes a bit while resisting the persistent nudges of the cats to feed them right now. I was bent on trying to sleep some before the alarm went off. I even hit the snooze button which gives me 9 minutes. Why are digital alarm clocks set for 9 minute snooze when a little Big Ben wind up will give you 10 minutes. Of course a Big Ben wind up must be wound up and I would forget that part occasionally.

Ok so off we go,. I shower while Snow White gets herself ready. I make her waffles to eat on the way to daycare and let my hair dry via the open drivers side window. This means Snow White has extra sugar for her morning and I have extra curly hair for my day. I prefer my hair straight and Snow White unsweetened.

Work goes well for the morning then it happens. During my lunch hour I get a call from home. This warrants my going home. I was home less than a minute. I feel like I had been kicked in the gut and the wind knocked out of me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to curl up in a ball in a quiet corner. Instead I blindly went back to work.

I tried to wrap my brain around what had just happened. I knew I could not handle it. I just could not. I had to try to push it out of my mind. Concentrate on work would do it...right? No. All I could think about was how much I wanted to go down on my knees, put my face in my hands and just cry.

No! I WILL NOT cry! I REFUSE to cry! Crying for me is the same as giving up. Saying nothing more can be done. I will not let this bad news take me down like that. There has to be something that can be done. I will NOT cry.

I busy myself with a project and make some headway from this morning. I want to bounce off my ideas with my boss before I send out an international email. He has out of country guests so I am put off until later. I am dead in the water with my work until I hear back from him.

As I make my way back to my office I find my face wet with tears. I am embarrassed thinking someone might happen along before I reach my desk. Thankfully, I reach my desk without having to see or speak to anyone. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I never knew before what that felt like...I had only read about that feeling. It was as though a bolder the size of a house was placed in my arms and I must keep it held above my head.

At the same time if a tiny breeze had come my way I knew my life would just evaporate. My body would lay limp and lifeless as my soul went on to be judged before angels or devils. At that moment I did not care which so long as this burden would be lifted. I was not contemplating suicide, I was only feeling as if my life were just about to be snuffed out like a candle dwindling down on the very last bit of wax left.

I thought of taking the rest of the day off in some pursuit of correcting the "problem" but what could be done? I could not even make my mind take hold of what had just happened in a brief moment during my lunch hour.

Just last night life was so full and although money was feeling a bit tight we had so much going for us all.

I felt a little guilty thinking of staying for the rest of the work day but nothing could be done if I left work. I couldn't even speak to my boss let alone ask him for a half day off for personal reasons. I could not move forward in my work until I heard back from him and he did promise to call me when he could.

I went to the ladies room. Splashed cold water on my face and ran the cold water over my wrists. Cold water running over my wrists always seems to give me a boost in energy. I glanced up at the mirror to see my eyes were blood shot from my constant reluctance to give into crying. I was angry to see how much I wanted to cry. I whispered to myself "This is not over yet. You cannot give up. Think of a plan. You always come up with a plan to accomplish things. You have never given up." I huge sigh comes out of no where and I realize it came from me.

I will figure out something. I will. Right now is not the time to be making those plans. I need to finish up with my work day and let this go for now. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it right now. Nothing. Let it go until the day ends. Yes, this day will end and tomorrow will begin as it always does.

I manage to muddle my way through the rest of the afternoon. My boss does call and he sees I was brilliant in my work plan. Now we need to wait for the other country to do their part.

I leave work, pick up Snow White at the daycare center where she is happily playing with 3 other little girls. On our way to the car she tells me what a great day she had and I softly say "I am so happy you had a wonderful day. That makes up for my not so great day." On the way home she sings to me a few songs she learned at school, daycare and one from a video game with la lah the "F" la lah. She actually said "F word" not the real word. I told her even saying "F word" is not acceptable and she agrees without hesitation.

We reach the house and enter in through the sunroom. Snow White starts SCREAMING!!! I am trying to unlock the door and the dead bolt as quickly as I can! Her screaming makes me loose track of the key I had and I inserted Grandma's house key in the dead bolt. While trying to fit the right key in the deadbolt I look at her feeling like I would just faint dead away and say "what?!! what?!!" She says "Big bug! Big! Giant Cricket!" I see it and it is NOT a cricket!

If you do not know already...I am terrified of bugs. Not all bugs but most bugs. The bug that was not a cricket is a Praying Mantis! An 8 inch, giant bug that can hold on to you, bite and can also fly!! I will hear nothing about them not biting. My mother was bitten on her hand and not only did her hand swell up like a parade balloon but so did her arm!

Before this my body was willing to just give out all together but I could not let that happen before my child was in the house! Away from that Giant Bug!

Yes, the silly giant bug staid still as we hurried into the house. It is quite likely giggling at us. After I had slammed the kitchen door shut I peered out the window in the door at it. I made Snow White look at it too as I told her "See how his hands are praying. That means he is asleep. He is so much smaller than we are and more afraid of us if we try to catch him."

Snow White lays her back pack down as I lean my whole body against the refrigerator. When I realize I am holding myself up by holding on to the handle I give out a whispered sigh. Snow White is looking at me and I realize I was going to start dinner. I pull out the baggie of chicken legs I cooked over the weekend, place them on a plate with frozen corn and microwave them for 2 minutes. More than the chicken needs but just enough for the corn. I hand her the plate which she heads into the dinning room with as I follow behind her with a fresh broccoli and a glass of milk. While she has her dinner I sit by engulfed in my fog of the fiasco that has just hit me today.

I have no appetite due to my fog so I make my way to the family room and call my sister. We go back and forth and I get loud as she comes at me with her plans help me. Eventually, she says "I know you might just want to blow off some steam. You might not be looking for a way to fix this and here I am trying to make you come up with a fix it way." It is true that sometimes people just want to vent but I truly appreciate her thoughts on how to fix things instead of stewing. I was just to over come, too consumed with the unexpected abundance of it all.

I told her "I am so lucky that I have you. Really and truly." She laughed as she has said this very thing to me so many times before. All of a sudden it really sunk in how wonderful it felt to say that out loud. I am truly lucky to have my sister to talk things over with. She is smart, rational, can come up with many ways to fix this or that and she is funny on top of everything else.

Everything seemed lighter. The boulder I felt I was carrying over my head was suddenly a pebble I could carry in my hand. The fog had also lifted. I even laughed while I told her about the "big cricket." I also told her to make sure Bear was ok though the night because his "Auntie" (Me) needed those three hours of sleep between 3:30 am and 6:30 am.

As all days good and bad come to an end I am really looking forward to tomorrow.


Butrfly4404 said...

Great attitude, hon.

Hope everything works out okay.

(We once had a "giant grasshopper" in our house. GIANT. Everyone swore it was only a grasshopper. I think they lie.)

MommasWorld said...

Today is much better. I still do not have resolve but at least I do not feel like it is going to kill me. :-)

Thanks for your comment. I really appreciate it :-)