Friday, June 27, 2008

The Winding Road Ahead

That thing he had to tell me...I signed up for the Army. I leave after this summer.” He said it but I didn’t really think I heard him correctly. The Army? He is leaving? Leaving soon? I never wanted to run more in my life! Had the car not been moving I would have bolted! I would have RAN all the way down the mountain, across all the towns, and all the way home! My whole body suddenly tensed up. My hand he was holding quickly went ice cold. I didn’t want him to touch me. I wanted him to let go! This couldn’t be right. He seemed so nice. So sweet. So wonderful. My mind was racing. Did he just say he was leaving? Was I just a little play thing for the summer? Was he hoping I would be some sort of last fling before going away in the Army? Was this what he was trying to tell me? How could he think that way of me? Of ME?! I thought he was Mr. Wonderful. A Knight in shining armor. And THIS is what he thought of me?

I couldn’t speak. All I could do was fight tears from escaping my watery eyes. I was thinking… “breath slowly. Don’t let him know he has cut your heart out. Just make it home. Just make it home. Don’t think about it.” I managed to slowly take my hand back and press myself against the passenger door. As far away from him as I could possibly get. I pretended to look out the window at the trees we were passing by. Then I noticed they were passing by faster and faster. I looked ahead and realized Ronnie was speeding down the winding mountain road! His face was so angry I didn’t know what to do! We nearly hit a car going the opposite direction! I grabbed hold of his arm and begged him to slow down! The tears I tried so hard to hold back were streaming down my face as I screamed for him to “Stop the car! Just Stop! You’re scaring me! STOP! Please! Please! Stop!”

We reached the bottom of the mountain and he finally stopped the car. I was crying frantically. He held me tightly, apologizing for scaring me and making me cry. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to have to tell you. The past few months have been the best of my life. I’m so sorry. I‘m so sorry.” I clung to him until I could catch my breath and regain some of my composure. With my face still buried in his shoulder and I was sure he had calmed down, I said so quietly, that I wasn’t sure I said anything at all “I want to go home. Please…Please. Take me home.”

During the twenty minute drive to my house I let him hold my hand. He said nothing. I said nothing. When we were close to my house I thought “This is the guy I have gone head over heels for and all he thinks of me is some summer fling? I wont see him again after tonight. I wont talk to him every again. I wont hear his voice… ever again. How could I have been so blind?” As soon as he pulled up beside my house I flung the passenger door open. I knew I wasn’t suppose to use that door but I just had to get away! My heart was breaking in to a million pieces and I want to get as far away from him as possible.

He quickly caught up to me as I reached the front steps. He tried to kiss me but I wouldn’t let him. He begged me to say something. “Say anything. I‘m sorry. I‘m so sorry.” I could tell he was crying as he gripped my arms tightly, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t even look at him. He pushed my chin up with his finger so I was facing him but I kept my eyes closed. I was on the brink of bursting into tears so I pushed him away, opened the door and ran up to my room. I heard the squeal of his tires as he drove away. I threw myself on my bed and cried. Oh how I cried. I cried until I was physically ill.

I woke up the next morning but I couldn’t manage to get out of bed. I just laid there. Thinking what an awful person I must seem from the outside for someone to think those things of me. Eventually I started to wonder if this was something other people thought of me? Why?! Why would anyone think that of me? I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. My Mother didn’t know what had happened but she tried to coax me out of bed with food. I didn’t want to eat anything. I felt like my life was over. If people actually thought that way about me I would just have to stay in my room. Forever.

Ronnie called half a dozen times and finally I agreed to talk to him. After racking my brain trying to think of what would make him or anyone think I was that kind of girl? Well, I wanted an answer. When I picked up the phone he spoke in a chocked up voice which made my eyes swell up with tears but I was determined to be calm. “Please don’t hang up on me. Please, please listen to what I have to say.” Silently choking back my own tears I waited to hear what he had to say. “I signed up for the Army before I met you. Before I knew you. If I had known that I would meet the most wonderful girl in the world I would have never joined up. I swear. {pausing to regain his voice} Meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I knew… I know. I know, I should have told you sooner but I was being selfish. I was afraid of loosing you. Afraid you wouldn’t talk to me. Please. Don’t hate me. Please. Forgive me. You don’t even have to go out with me any more. Just please still talk to me. That’s all I need, is for you to say you will still talk to me.”

I paused to take a deep breath. I didn’t want to cry. Through sobbing breaths all I could manage was “So was I just a summer fling for you?” “No. No, Heather. You are not some fling for me. I didn’t know I was going to fall in love with you. I love you. I DO love you. I am so in love with you that it makes me crazy. I’m so crazy in love with you. That is why it hurt so much to tell you. About the Army and me. I don’t want to loose you.” I couldn’t speak at all. What if it was just a game? He didn’t sound like he was playing a game. He was really hurting. He was hurting just as much as I was. How could he be hurting like this? He was the one who made this choice. He knew about this the whole time.

“Please don’t shut me out. Everyone told me to tell you but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I wanted to keep you for myself. I wanted to spend time with you. Talking with you is like living in a dream. The Army doesn‘t matter. Nothing matters when I‘m with you. Everything in life is better because I am near you. I couldn‘t think of anything to do. To say. I enjoy our time together so much I didn‘t want to think about it ending.”

Still not knowing what to think I said nothing. I held my breath for a few minutes trying not to cry. I said nothing. Just listened. “Please give me another chance. Please still go out with me. {pause} You can still see other people.” In my mind that meant WE can still see other people and I went from upset to utter shock! He just said he loved me and now “We can see other people?!” While trying to keep it together I softly, half crying said “Well, you can see who ever you want. You can go out with a million girls before you head out to the Army. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.” I could hear him crying on the other end. I felt myself drifting away into an unfamiliar fog. I was growing numb. I took a deep breath, gathered courage that I never knew I had and said in the warmest, calmest ’there, there’ voice I use for toddlers in Sunday school….“You will be fine too. I need to wash my hair. I wish you all the best.” I could hear him saying “No! No! That’s not what I meant.” “Good bye Ronnie. I do wish you the very best of everything.” I hung up.

I was worn out by all my crying but I had resolved that I wasn’t going to stay in my room any more. Ok, I was off the phone so I told myself that I could have a few minutes more to cry in my room, then I would take my shower. Just as I was walking to the bathroom the door bell rang. I knew it wouldn’t be Ronnie since I just hung up the phone and he lived in the next town over. I hoped it was one of my friends so I could cry on their shoulder. I desperately needed a hug. I needed someone to hold on to, to comfort me and assure me that everything would be ok.

I ran down the stairs and flung open the door. There was Ronnie. Bowing and teary eyed at my front door with a large bouquet of pink roses. “Please. Don’t shut me out. I couldn’t stand it if you hated me.” I don’t know what came over me. Deep down inside I felt that he meant every word. I rushed to him and threw my arms around his neck. He held me and stroked my hair until I stopped crying. While sobbing into his shoulder and clinging tightly to him I said “I don’t want to see anyone else. I don’t want to see other guys. My heart doesn’t work that way. I just want to be with you.” Ronnie was crying too “Heather, believe me. I don’t want to see anyone else. There is no one else but you. I thought it was only fair to you, to let you see other people. I never meant to hurt you. I never want you to hurt, ever. I’m so sorry. Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never want to let you go.” “Ronnie? Are you crying?” “No, no. It must be my allergies.” I tried to pull back just enough to see his face but he pulled me close, nuzzled into my neck and quietly said “never. let. go.”

Eventually, we both wiped our tears and smiled. We would make it through the summer. We both felt we couldn’t do anything else. We just had to be with each other. No matter what. Come what may…


Pageant Mom said...

Hey!! Wow, you've been at it!!

I need to get back to doing some serious reading.

Trying to get back!!

MommasWorld said...

There you are! I wondered where you have been lately. Glad to see you back!