Remember to Refuel and Recharge Yourself

Last week ManSon decided to take a seasonal job with FedEx. I am all for my teenagers making their own money. Since his car is no longer with us, (it died in Tennessee) I drop him off at FedEx during my lunch hour. After work I pick up Snow White and we head straight to FedEx to pick up ManSon.

In the morning rush to get Snow White and myself out the door I also try to take care of as many things as possible. Apparently this week that does not include eating breakfast. I make sure Snow White has her breakfast while I am in the shower but I cannot seem to slow down enough in the morning to actually sit down and have a bite to eat before starting my day.

The hustle bustle routine of my lunch hour is mimicking my morning. I go home, let Pup out in the back yard and take ManSon to work. I forget to bring lunch to work or grab something to eat at home. After I drop off ManSon I rush back to my office. This has happened all week.

Yesterday, after work I picked up my children and went straight home. Since I have been too busy in the morning and during lunch my body was starving for fuel. As soon as we were home I slid a full plate of sliced roast beef in the microwave. My arms and legs were shaking from lack of substance. Finally I was able to sit down. I inhaled my dinner. Almost immediately I felt both dizzy and relieved, ill and satisfied. It was a very strange feeling. My poor body.

Last night while getting ready for bed I promised myself I would make sure to eat breakfast and lunch tomorrow.

Morning came a little later than usual. I must have hit the snooze button when my alarm went off. So much for my promise to eat breakfast. I will make sure to slow down and have lunch. Even if it means eating at my desk.

Lunch time rolls around and I am in other peoples’ offices when I should be wrapping up things at my own desk. When I finish up with the other people I RUN to my van and head home to pick up ManSon. Remember that steep hill I slid down during the very small snow fall? I was on my way up that very same hill when my van started to sputter! I glace over at the gas gage and realize I have not only neglected to refuel my body, I also forgot to fuel up my van. Yes, I was running out of gas on that very steep hill! Again I made it to the top of the hill. I thought maybe I could make it to the gas station but no such luck. The van stopped dead just as I turned on to a semi-main road. I thought how lucky I was that it stopped here since it looked like a pull off area. Wrong. There was a no parking sign right next to my van so I tried the ignition hoping to go a little further up the road but the engine would not turn over.

Instinctively I picked up my cell phone to call ManSon to make him aware of the situation. Oh my, this was just not my day. That’s right, my cell phone battery was dead. I remember reading about a number you can punch in to get emergency power but could not remember what that number was. I grabbed my little purse out of my enormous bag and started walking towards home.

As I walked I thought, “This wont be so bad. It really isn’t that far, right?” Sure, there are no sidewalks but drivers will surely notice my bright flowing pink blouse. In my rush to leave the office I thought why would I need my coat? I will be in my van the whole time right? Wrong again. When I thought I was nearly halfway to my house I realized I had not even made it to the entrance of our development and my legs were starting to hurt. One and a half miles later I see my mail box. For a brief moment a feeling of great pride washed over me. I had walked briskly just over 2 miles in 30 minutes. As soon as I saw my Lincoln in the driveway I decide there is no way I could possibly walk all the way to the gas station and back to my van.

I should have junked or donated the Lincoln back in June but I just could not part with it. The Lincoln has been sitting in my driveway for 6 months. Just sitting there. The tags expired back in July and I never registered it here in our new state. The reason it is still with me is the seats. They are by far the most comfortable seats ever made.

ManSon saw me walking up the drive way. By the look on his face I could tell he was confused. All I could manage to say was “Out of gas. Get gas can.” When he came back with the gas can I opened the driver’s door and slid into the seat. “Ahhh. I. Love. This car.” ManSon laughed at me but I had another thought pressing me. Would the Lincoln start after sitting for so many months? Thank God! (literally) It started! YEAH!

Before pulling out of my driveway I said a little prayer that I would not be caught by the police. The tags are expired! A cab? It would take an hour for a cab to make it’s way out here to our house in the country. Everyone I know is either at work or out of state. The Lincoln was the only choice that did not involve ManSon and I calling our supervisors to say “We wont be coming (back) to work today.”

First stop, gas station to fill up the 5 gallon gas can. Next I drive to my van and who do you suppose is right behind my van waiting for me? A friend? Not exactly. It was a State Trooper! I park the Lincoln on a side street and run with the gas can over to my van. The Trooper, still in his car, motions for me to come to his driver’s side window. “Is this your vehicle? You are not permitted to park your vehicle here. We have received several complaints about this situation. Do you realize you even left your purse in the vehicle?” I explain that I did not purposely park my van here, that I simply ran out of gas and could do nothing about where it stopped. As to why I left my purse in the car? My purse is a tiny little thing that fits into my carry all bag (they match perfectly). Not wanting to go in to all of that with the Trooper I played up the Poor damsel in distress by saying “Oh! I didn’t realize. I was so flustered about the whole ordeal.” I was cheerful though my explanation. I smiled and I remember waving my hands around a lot.

Finally, the Trooper smiled back and said he would void the ticket. He also stepped out of his car, picked up the heavy gas can and poured the contents in to my gas tank. The Trooper made sure my van started and even followed me back to my house. How gallant.

After the Trooper drove away we dashed off in a hurry. Halfway up the highway it occurs to me that ManSon must call his supervisor to say he would be another 15 minutes. My cell phone is dead and his is in his bedroom. I laughed as I said “We are really getting back to basics today. First I end up walking to where I need to be and now we are without a cell phone looking for a payphone. “Do they still have payphones at gas stations?” We did find a few non working payphones and eventually found a working payphone. ManSon’s supervisor said it wouldn’t be a problem since today they were not starting until 1:30 pm. Thank you God, again! Instead of being late he would arrive on time.

ManSon was at work, on time and I was rushing back to my office. Apparently no one missed me. I was all set to tell them my sad little story and how everything still worked out in the end.

Well, nearly everything worked out. Not only did I miss breakfast but now I had completely missed out on lunch as well. The rest of the afternoon I was exhausted and felt like I was sputtering, just like the engine of my van when it was running out of gas. Tonight was a repeat of last night…heat up dinner, inhale, feel ill and full all at the same time.

Having my van run out of gas was suppose to be a wake up call to remember to refuel and I still forgot to eat.

When A Single Mom Gets Sick

Hey, I am back. Not all better yet but getting there. What happened? Well, two Thursdays ago (Oct 18th) I woke up, made myself ready for work and Snow White ready for school. Just like any other week day.

When I arrived at my office I felt sluggish but quickly brushed it off as "You are just tired." An hour later the room seemed to move when I thought I was sitting perfectly still. I had an important meeting with my boss at 11 am and I was determined to make that meeting. Breathing started to become difficult but I thought "Don't worry, you just have a really bad cold. Worst case scenario you have the flu....but it is too early in the year for the flu!"

I kept telling myself to just make it through the morning until that meeting was over. After all, I work close to home and could run home to take a nap during my lunch hour. It might have been two hours after I arrived at work that my co-workers started making comments such as "You look horrible", "Are you ok?", "Maybe you should go home" or just plain running the other way when they saw me coming. I shook it off until my meeting when my boss, who really does not like me to take a sick day, took a few steps back and said "I think you need to go home. We don't want you to get everyone else sick."

After our meeting I literally saluted his Administrative Assistant and declared for all in ear shot to hear, "I am Going Home." I might have said it in a sing song fashion but I do not really remember. I don't even remember GOING home.

The next thing I remember was ManSon coming in my room to ask me what time I was going to pick up Snow White from Daycare. I woke up, put on my shoes and picked her up. Knowing I was feeling ill I decided not to cook, instead I did the McDonalds Drive Thru. I hate McDonalds food but my children think of it as a real treat and it was easy dinner for me. After all, I was sick and was not feeling up to eating anything. There is nothing wrong with McDonalds food. It is just not my preference. Anyway, it works out as a substitute when Mommy is not feeling well.

As soon as we were home I went straight back to bed. I woke up often coughing or in need of the bathroom when my body decided to violently extract something from one end or the other. ManSon took care of Snow White and made sure she went to bed when it was time. Around 7:30 am, during one of my bathroom calls, I called my boss to let him know I was still ill and would not make it in to work. I crawled back in to bed and went to sleep for a little while.

Thinking about how ill I was I sort of knew it would not be wise to drive any further than necessary. I decided it would be better to sleep for another hour and drive Snow White to school which was only two small blocks from our house rather than stay awake and drive all the way to the daycare center 7 minutes away. Seven minutes away may not seem like a great distance but the way I was feeling it was cross country traveling.

After dropping her off at school I return home, call the Dr to make a sick call appointment. They inform me I will be seen at 3pm so I slide back in to bed after setting my alarm clock for 2:30 pm.

At 2:15 pm ManSon comes in to check on me and I realize I went back to bed in my work clothes from YESTERDAY and I still have my shoes on. Oh well, at least I am ready for my appointment. I get up, brush my teeth and pull out a coat from the front closet. Um, it wasn't cold enough for a coat, it has been exceptionally warm for this time of year.... and it wasn't even MY OWN coat.

I arrive at the Drs office in yesterdays clothes, my teenage daughter's dress coat which she herself out grew a few years ago and a full box of Puffs Plus in my purse. Hey, you have to give me credit for actually bringing my purse.

When the Dr. saw me he mentioned the box of Puffs "It's never a good sign when a patient arrives with a whole box of tissues." They tested me for strep but it came back negative. The Dr. mentioned my lungs were clear which caught me totally off guard. How could they be clear when I was having so much trouble breathing? Apparently my tonsils were enlarged for no apparent reason and my entire throat was swollen!!

I was not processing this information I was just hearing it. When the nurse came in and said "Here are your prescriptions" all I thought of was "Here is your relief. You can sleep without the bathroom calling either end of your body. You will get better. You will live through this."

Then, I rushed to the grocery store across the street to fill my prescriptions. After looking over my credit card receipt from the Drs. office (apparently unable to count out the cash in my purse) and the receipt from the ATM at the grocery store it took me 30 minutes to make it across that street. While waiting on my prescriptions, I wondered around the grocery store picking up more Puffs and $50 worth of Progresso and Campbell’s soup (not an exaggeration). At one point I thought a man was checking me out. Later I realized he must have been staring at me wondering what type of hospital lab was minus this experiment.

I pick up my prescriptions, Snow White, more McDonalds then back to bed. The medication worked really well, just like the nurse said.

Saturday morning around 7 am Snow White was complaining of a sore throat. Oh No! Not that! How could I take care of a sick child while I was so very ill myself. So, what did I do? I called the Drs. office and made a sick call appointment for that morning. It is wonderful to have a Drs. office open on Saturdays! The nurse says she thinks it is strep. How much more wonderful could this weekend get? Their lab would be open on Monday so they would call us when they had the results.

Snow White started crying about a birthday party she was suppose to attend. She has been ready for this party for a week! We even had the presents wrapped and in the car for a few days in preparation. She had her pirate's costume in the car, which she checked daily to make sure she had everything she needed to be the pirate she wanted to dress up as for the party.

The out of state birthday party we both so wanted to go to...started like hours ago! I panic! How can we get there? Taxi? No it is out of state. Can I drive? I think I can drive. No. I cannot even stand up straight without the room shaking my feet and making me wobble all over the place. Franticly I dump everything out of my purse remembering I had put the invitation in there. I cannot find the freaking invitation! I know the Mom giving the party gave me her cell phone number so I must have written it on that invitation. I give up looking for the invitation and go to my computer. Maybe I have an email with the Mom's cell phone number.

I do not remember if it was an email or my computer address book which had her cell phone number but I did find it. I called her and she thought maybe I was lost somewhere in the state looking for the party. Sadly I had to explain we were sick and could not make it. I wished it was just as simple as we were lost and looking for directions. This Mom, her daughter and their entire family are people you just really, really want to be around. They are such a joy to be around it would have surely cured me by being there for just a few minutes. That is how wonderful they truly are. I am not sure what exactly I said during our phone conversation other than we are not lost and gifts will be mailed out.

Sunday, I spent all day in bed with my children checking in on me from time to time. I did eat some soup and I think I managed to take my prescriptions a few times during the day. Monday morning I went to work but still not feeling any better. Snow White went to school since she did not have a fever and we would not have the results back from the Drs. office. After lunch the Drs. office called to say she does not have strep. The sore throat and cough must have been the caused of post nasal drip. All that was required was cough syrup.

This is getting long so I will go for now. There are good things coming.

Boulder Now ...Pebble Later

Today had a slightly rough start. I woke up at 3:30am for the second morning in a row. My first thought as I looked at the alarm clock was "Darn it! Auntie D must be up again." She is a few states away but seems to have the same affect on me as if one of my children woke up in the middle of the night with an illness. When I spoke to her tonight she confirmed that yes, she was awake at 3:30 am with Bear (he has a severe cough).

I laid in bed thinking I would eventually get an hour or so more if I really tried hard to clear my mind. Sadly I only rested my eyes a bit while resisting the persistent nudges of the cats to feed them right now. I was bent on trying to sleep some before the alarm went off. I even hit the snooze button which gives me 9 minutes. Why are digital alarm clocks set for 9 minute snooze when a little Big Ben wind up will give you 10 minutes. Of course a Big Ben wind up must be wound up and I would forget that part occasionally.

Ok so off we go,. I shower while Snow White gets herself ready. I make her waffles to eat on the way to daycare and let my hair dry via the open drivers side window. This means Snow White has extra sugar for her morning and I have extra curly hair for my day. I prefer my hair straight and Snow White unsweetened.

Work goes well for the morning then it happens. During my lunch hour I get a call from home. This warrants my going home. I was home less than a minute. I feel like I had been kicked in the gut and the wind knocked out of me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to curl up in a ball in a quiet corner. Instead I blindly went back to work.

I tried to wrap my brain around what had just happened. I knew I could not handle it. I just could not. I had to try to push it out of my mind. Concentrate on work would do it...right? No. All I could think about was how much I wanted to go down on my knees, put my face in my hands and just cry.

No! I WILL NOT cry! I REFUSE to cry! Crying for me is the same as giving up. Saying nothing more can be done. I will not let this bad news take me down like that. There has to be something that can be done. I will NOT cry.

I busy myself with a project and make some headway from this morning. I want to bounce off my ideas with my boss before I send out an international email. He has out of country guests so I am put off until later. I am dead in the water with my work until I hear back from him.

As I make my way back to my office I find my face wet with tears. I am embarrassed thinking someone might happen along before I reach my desk. Thankfully, I reach my desk without having to see or speak to anyone. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I never knew before what that felt like...I had only read about that feeling. It was as though a bolder the size of a house was placed in my arms and I must keep it held above my head.

At the same time if a tiny breeze had come my way I knew my life would just evaporate. My body would lay limp and lifeless as my soul went on to be judged before angels or devils. At that moment I did not care which so long as this burden would be lifted. I was not contemplating suicide, I was only feeling as if my life were just about to be snuffed out like a candle dwindling down on the very last bit of wax left.

I thought of taking the rest of the day off in some pursuit of correcting the "problem" but what could be done? I could not even make my mind take hold of what had just happened in a brief moment during my lunch hour.

Just last night life was so full and although money was feeling a bit tight we had so much going for us all.

I felt a little guilty thinking of staying for the rest of the work day but nothing could be done if I left work. I couldn't even speak to my boss let alone ask him for a half day off for personal reasons. I could not move forward in my work until I heard back from him and he did promise to call me when he could.

I went to the ladies room. Splashed cold water on my face and ran the cold water over my wrists. Cold water running over my wrists always seems to give me a boost in energy. I glanced up at the mirror to see my eyes were blood shot from my constant reluctance to give into crying. I was angry to see how much I wanted to cry. I whispered to myself "This is not over yet. You cannot give up. Think of a plan. You always come up with a plan to accomplish things. You have never given up." I huge sigh comes out of no where and I realize it came from me.

I will figure out something. I will. Right now is not the time to be making those plans. I need to finish up with my work day and let this go for now. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it right now. Nothing. Let it go until the day ends. Yes, this day will end and tomorrow will begin as it always does.

I manage to muddle my way through the rest of the afternoon. My boss does call and he sees I was brilliant in my work plan. Now we need to wait for the other country to do their part.

I leave work, pick up Snow White at the daycare center where she is happily playing with 3 other little girls. On our way to the car she tells me what a great day she had and I softly say "I am so happy you had a wonderful day. That makes up for my not so great day." On the way home she sings to me a few songs she learned at school, daycare and one from a video game with ...la la lah the "F" word...la la lah. She actually said "F word" not the real word. I told her even saying "F word" is not acceptable and she agrees without hesitation.

We reach the house and enter in through the sunroom. Snow White starts SCREAMING!!! I am trying to unlock the door and the dead bolt as quickly as I can! Her screaming makes me loose track of the key I had and I inserted Grandma's house key in the dead bolt. While trying to fit the right key in the deadbolt I look at her feeling like I would just faint dead away and say "what?!! what?!!" She says "Big bug! Big! Giant Cricket!" I see it and it is NOT a cricket!

If you do not know already...I am terrified of bugs. Not all bugs but most bugs. The bug that was not a cricket is a Praying Mantis! An 8 inch, giant bug that can hold on to you, bite and can also fly!! I will hear nothing about them not biting. My mother was bitten on her hand and not only did her hand swell up like a parade balloon but so did her arm!

Before this my body was willing to just give out all together but I could not let that happen before my child was in the house! Away from that Giant Bug!

Yes, the silly giant bug staid still as we hurried into the house. It is quite likely giggling at us. After I had slammed the kitchen door shut I peered out the window in the door at it. I made Snow White look at it too as I told her "See how his hands are praying. That means he is asleep. He is so much smaller than we are and more afraid of us if we try to catch him."

Snow White lays her back pack down as I lean my whole body against the refrigerator. When I realize I am holding myself up by holding on to the handle I give out a whispered sigh. Snow White is looking at me and I realize I was going to start dinner. I pull out the baggie of chicken legs I cooked over the weekend, place them on a plate with frozen corn and microwave them for 2 minutes. More than the chicken needs but just enough for the corn. I hand her the plate which she heads into the dinning room with as I follow behind her with a fresh broccoli and a glass of milk. While she has her dinner I sit by engulfed in my fog of the fiasco that has just hit me today.

I have no appetite due to my fog so I make my way to the family room and call my sister. We go back and forth and I get loud as she comes at me with her plans help me. Eventually, she says "I know you might just want to blow off some steam. You might not be looking for a way to fix this and here I am trying to make you come up with a fix it way." It is true that sometimes people just want to vent but I truly appreciate her thoughts on how to fix things instead of stewing. I was just to over come, too consumed with the unexpected abundance of it all.

I told her "I am so lucky that I have you. Really and truly." She laughed as she has said this very thing to me so many times before. All of a sudden it really sunk in how wonderful it felt to say that out loud. I am truly lucky to have my sister to talk things over with. She is smart, rational, can come up with many ways to fix this or that and she is funny on top of everything else.

Everything seemed lighter. The boulder I felt I was carrying over my head was suddenly a pebble I could carry in my hand. The fog had also lifted. I even laughed while I told her about the "big cricket." I also told her to make sure Bear was ok though the night because his "Auntie" (Me) needed those three hours of sleep between 3:30 am and 6:30 am.

As all days good and bad come to an end I am really looking forward to tomorrow.